Oct 27, 2011
Me: How about I put you down?
Aki: [No thank you]
Me: I’ll put you down.
Aki: [Here is my loudest sound]
Nov 11, 2011
Me: How do you like that granola?
Aki: [There’s a walnut stuck to my ass]
Dec 2, 2011
Aki: [I’m ready for dinner]
Me: How about I warm it first? It'll be just a second...
Aki: [Here is my loudest sound]
Jan 24, 2012
Me: I don’t think I could love you any more.
Sept 11, 2012
Aki: [Hey just so you know I’m not really sleeping, I’m just lying here in the crib, and kind of kicking and making this neat rhythm, and thinking about all the sounds I can make like "na na na na na na na na" which basically means "banana" and did you ever notice how weird "banana" sounds if you say it a lot? Like "banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana" — weird, right? I mean, I like bananas a lot. I would like one now. But it’s such a weird sound. So is their color. Yellow: yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow...]
Me: DEAR SWEET JESUS GO TO SLEEP.
Sept 21, 2012
Aki: [bouncing off the walls].
Me: Stop it, Crazypants. ... Oh my gosh, Aki, look at your pants!
Aki: [looks at pants]
Me: THEY’RE CRAZY!
Aki: [blank look].
Jan 13, 2013
Karen: Let’s fold laundry!
Karen: That’s the spirit!
Me: Okay. Too much spirit.
Jan 19, 2013
Aki: I have moles.
Karen: Those aren’t moles, honey. Those are your nipples.
Aki: I peed on the floor last night.
Jan 22, 2013
Aki: I have my milk!
Aki: You’re welcome.
Me: No, you say "please."
Me: Thank you.
Aki: You’re welcome.
Jan 31, 2013
Me: Here, let me get your pajamas
Aki (quietly, to herself): Oh no. That’s not good.
Feb 12, 2013
Aki: Read books?
Me: I’ll read you a book, sure. Lets get one.
Aki: Read these books!
Me: These are daddy’s books honey. They don’t have pictures. Let’s get one of your books.
Aki: I ... bigger, I read daddy’s books.
Feb 19, 2013
Aki: I’m going to pee.
Aki: And poo.
Aki: BIG! TALL! POO!!!!!
Feb 19 2013
Aki: Sometimes... sometimes I poo in the potty.
Me: Sometimes? Where do you poo other times?
Aki: Other times I poo.. in the catbox.
March 7, 2013
Aki: You’re my friend.
Me: I am your friend! Are you my friend?
Aki: No. My friend is in my jacket.
March 18, 2013
Me: It’s nap time.
Aki: I’m not ready for a nap.
Me: In Soviet Russia, nap takes YOU!
Aki: I don’t like that.
April 4, 2013
Aki: Do do do do do do Canada.
Me: What? What did you say?
Me: What do you know about Canada?
Aki: In Canada is [gleeful]
April 12, 2013
in the subway Aki: [pointing to a poster]: That’s Spiderman!
Me: Woah! you’re right! How do you know Spiderman?
Aki: Spiderman goes [singing]
April 12 2013
Aki: [throws a toy]
Me: Hey! No throwing things inside!
Aki: We can throw things outside?
Me: Well, yes, but only if it’s part of a game.
Aki: A game?
Me: Yes. Like baseball.
Me: Baseball is a game where you can throw things at people.
April 17, 2013
Aki: I want to go down the slide.
Me: It’s got water on it. Your butt will get wet.
Aki: It happens. It’s okay.
Me: All right then, go ahead.
Aki: [slides, then stands up and feels her bottom, and nods.] My butt is wet.
April 26 2013
Aki: [trips, looks up at me] I can say "shoot"?
Me: Yes. That one you can say.
Aki: Ow. Shoot.
April 29 2013
[Nearly an hour past Aki’s bedtime, after ten solid minutes of silence]
Aki: Bless you!
May 3, 2013
Aki: Shoot. I can say "shoot."
Karen: Yes, you can.
Aki: Daddy says "crap."
Karen: Well, I guess he does.
Aki: I can’t say that.
Karen: No. No you can not.
Me: [runs and hides]
May 6, 2013
Aki: What is that?
Me: That’s my tie.
Aki: What’s a tie?
Me: It’s a piece of cloth that goes around your neck. It’s part of a business suit, which is a type of armor that soldiers wear. It has no practical purpose other than to warn others that you are a dangerous person and not to be trifled with.
Aki: [blank look]
May 10, 2013
Aki: Dogs poo on the ground.
Me: That’s right.
Aki: And people clean it up.
Me: Well, they’re supposed to. If you have a dog, you’re supposed to clean up its poo.
Aki: Yeah. When I’m a woman, then I can clean up poo.
May 31, 2013
[at a restaurant]
Aki: Did you bring the potty seat?
Me: Yeah ... do you need the potty seat?
Aki: Yeah. ... I LOVE THE POTTY SEAT.
June 25, 2013
[After reading Where The Wild Things Are]
Me: Max is king because he has a scepter. You have a scepter too! [finds one of her toys]. This is your scepter. So you can be king, or queen of the wild things.
Aki: No, I'm not.
Me: You're not?
Aki [looking me in the eyes] I'm king of nothing.
June 27, 2013
Aki [sopping wet, after playing in the water fountain]: Pick me up!
Me: Eh, can you just walk?
Aki: Noooo! Pick me up! Pick me up because... because I love you.
Me: [reluctantly picks her up]
Aki: Say "yes."
July 10, 2013
Aki: Thank you trees. Thank you. [tree voice]
Me: Aw. Why are you thanking the trees?
Aki: For sending down the leaves to play. And because I love them.
July 15 2013
[A visit from uncle Kenny]
Aki: Hey uncle Kenny. Uncle Kenny, Hey. Uncle Kenny: Hey. Hey. Uncle Kenny.
Ken: Yes, Aki?
July 30, 2013
Aki: It's beautiful out. The sky is so blue.
Karen: It is, yes.
Aki: And there's none of those white things.
Karen: You mean clouds?
Aki: Yes. They're all melted in.
August 1, 2013
Aki: Daddy, let's play.
Me: Um, okay. Let's play a game called "Shhhh. Daddy has a headache."
September 15, 2013
Aki: Daddy, are you going to sit next to me?
Me: Sure! Would you like me to sit next to you?
Aki: No. Mommy.
September 19, 2013
Me: [holding up one of Karen's shirts] And where does this go?
Aki: [taking it] In the laundry.
Me: It does?
Aki: Because I wiped my nose on it.
September 20, 2013
Me: It's time for bed.
Aki: What about dinner?
Karen: We just had dinner!
Me: We just spent an hour and a half at a restaurant. What did you think we were doing there?
Aki: I was running around.
October 6, 2013
[Watching buskers dance on the subway]
Busker [taking the dollar Aki's holding out for him] Thanks! Don't try that at home!
Karen: What did you think of the dancing honey?
Aki: I don't WANT to try that at home!
October 18, 2013
Aki: Look, dog poop!
Aki [looking at her lollipop]: I didn't put my lollipop in it.
Me: Of course not! Don't do that!
Aki: I didn't.
Me: Good. ... Were you thinking about doing it?
Aki: No. I just thought about my bunny.
Me: When you were looking at the dog poop?
Aki: Yes. I thought about the dog poop and my bunny.
October 19, 2013
Karen: Ooh, my ears just popped.
Aki: Let me see.
Karen: You can't see. You just feel it.
Aki: Let me feel.
October 24, 2013
[Playing with stickers that have picturs of food]
Aki: Would you like some chocolate?
Karen: No. I'd like a bagel please.
Aki: Hm. Oh! Here's a delicous bagle. It's really good. And it has sprinkles on it.
Karen: That's a donut.
November 25, 2013
Aki: I blowed my nose! I'm a grownup!
December 4, 2013
[After having to be reminded of her aunt's name several times]
Aki: I know her name now.
Me: Oh, good!
Aki: Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna Ronna ...
Me [interrupting]: Yes, you certainly do.
Aki: It's not W X Y Z.
Me: Nope. That's not a name. Those are the last four letters of the alphabet.
Aki: I know that.
December 19, 2013
Karen: Give dad a hug and say thank you for dinner.
Aki: [gives me a hug]
Karen: Now say "thank you."
Karen: Say "thank you" please.
Aki: I did already.
Karen: I didn't hear you.
Aki: I said it quietly.
December 25th, 2013
Aki: Santa came last night! He really came! I heard him!
Karen: You did? What did he sound like?
Aki: "Boom. Boom. Boom." ... He's like a monster!
January 22, 2014
Me: Okay, you ate enough dinner. You can have dessert. How about a small piece of chocolate?
Aki: I don't want chocolate! I want a tangerine.
Me: You'd rather have an orange than chocolate?
Aki: NO! It's called a tangerine.
January 24, 2014
Aki: Daddy can you sit here and lean a little please?
Me: Sure! What for?
Aki: So the light doesn't get in my eyes.
February 5, 2014
Me: If you can't behave, go to your room.
Aki: [storms off crying. Stops crying. Comes back into the room.] Can you please turn the light on in my room?
Me: Sure. [Turns light on.]
Aki: [Resumes tantrum.]
February 15, 2014
[driving in the car]
Aki [from the back seat]: I'm all done. I'm all done going potty!
Aki: I'm just kidding.
Feb 16, 2014
Aki: You know, I really love you, Uncle Daddy.
Feb 24, 2014
Me [kisses Aki's cheeks several times]
Aki [kisses my cheeks several times, and then rubs her nose on me]: Your face is all snotty now. Ew.
March 3, 2014
Aki: Daddy, don't ever never never never never ever put fire on the house.
March 10, 2014
Me: Okay, let's go get some groceries!
Aki: No, wait. You need money.
Me: I do? I think I have some money. [Pulls out wallet, only to discover it's empty].
April 23, 2014
Aki: I love you daddy.
Me: I love you too, honey.
Aki: No. Look in my face when you say it.
April 24, 2014
Aki: Why does Santa drink a lot of beer?
Me [defensively]: He doesn't drink that much beer.
Aki: Yes he does! He drinks a LOT of beer! A LOOOOOOOTTTTTT of beer! [holds her hands out really wide].
April 30, 2014
Aki [making up a song]: And when you dream / You see pictures everywhere. / But sometimes you don't. / You just see dark.
May 4 2014
[After her aunt's wedding]
Aki: I danced with a boy last night!
Karen: You did! I saw!
Aki: He was tall!
Karen: He was eleven!
Aki: He was a good dancer.
Karen: He was very good! Do you remember his name?
Aki: ... God?
May 9, 2014
Aki [puts a colorful sash around her waist]: Look at me, daddy!
Me: You look like a pirate!
Aki: But I don't want to look like a pirate.
Aki: Because pirates have hats. And I don't have a hat. I just have a belt. [to herself] Yes. Pirates have hats.
May 21 2014
Aki: I'm going to get the ... skateboard... To see how ...height... I am.
Karen: It's called a scale. And it measures how heavy you are.
May 31 2014
Aki: Daddy, why did you not swim with us this morning?
Me: Because I had some writing to do.
Aki: So stop it.
June 6, 2014
Karen: ... and that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood.
Aki: Tell me another story!
Karen: How about you tell a story?
Aki: Okay. Once upon a time there was a big bag wolf. And he ate everyone. Everyone and everything, until there was just him. All alone. And then he ate himself, and there was nothing. The end.
Karen and me: [shocked silence]
July 12 2014
[back from a morning run]
Me: Hello! I brought coffee.
Karen: Hello! We were just having a conversation. Aki, do you want to tell daddy what we were talking about?
Karen: No, before that.
Aki: Dead people!
July 28, 2014
Aki: Mr Rogers says "won't you be my neighbor."
Karen: That's true, he does.
Aki: And I say "yes! I will!"
Karen: Aww. That's really sweet. That's a nice thing to say.
Aki: So we have to switch houses now.
October 7, 2014
Me: [gets leftovers out for dinner]
Aki: Is that cookies?
Me: No. It's pizza.
Aki: Yum! I love pizza for dinner! When I eat pizza my heart beats really loud!
October 9, 2014
Aki: This is the first time I've been in the dark!
Me: No it's not. You've been in the dark before.
Aki: This is the next time I've been in the dark!
October 11, 2014
[Karen and I have a conversation and I mention cannibals]
Aki: I know what cannibals are!
Me: You do?
Aki: Yes. We learned about cannibals in school.
Karen: Um. What did you learn?
Aki: Well... cannibals have two humps. And they live in the desert.
November 9, 2014
Aki: Put that down. We're going to have a talk. A long talk, but a medium talk.
November 25, 2014
Aki: I wish I were made out of glass.
Aki [exasperated]: Because! I don't want to be alive!
December 7, 2014
Aki [whispering]: Nobody knows that we're having dessert!
Karen: I know. Santa knows.
Aki: Why? He has a magic computer?
December 9, 2014
Me: Aki, what should we get mom for Christmas?
Aki: Let's get her... I can't think of anything. Just buy whatever you see.
December 17 2014
[Trying to put together a lego thing]
Me: I don't think I can do it.
Aki: You have to.
Me: We don't have the right pieces.
Aki: You have to. Or else I will call the winged monkeys.
December 23, 2014
Aki: What can I do, dad?
Me: [singing] You can DREAM... the imPOSible DREAM...
Aki: I don't want to do that. I want to play a game.
December 25, 2014
Watching Home Alone, the camera lingering on Kevin
Aki: So that's what an eight-year-old looks like.
Aki: STOP IT! IT'S NOT FUNNY!
December 28, 2014
Aki: In Pennsylvania it's always cold.
Karen: No, it's not.
Aki: Yes, it is.
Karen: That's not true. It's warm in the summer.
Aki: Realize this: Pennsylvania isn't ever warm.
January 6, 2015
at the dinner table
Aki: [dramatic] WHY DO YOU NOT EVEN SPEAK A THING IN MY FACE?!?
Me: [to Karen]: Sometimes it's like she's acting out scenes from The Room.
Aki: What room?
Me: It's a movie, called The Room.
Aki: NOW I CAN'T WATCH MOVIES IN MY ROOM?!?
Karen: No, honey. Dad has a problem where real life reminds him of movies, and he has to tell us all about the movie that it reminds him of. He can't help it. When that happens, you can just talk to me.
March 12, 2015
Aki: I love clowns!
Karen: Daddy is a little afraid of clowns. Some people don't like them.
Aki: Don't be afraid, daddy! Clowns aren't alive.
May 23, 2015
Aki: What does "beneath my dignity" mean?
Me: [stunned silence]
July 9, 2015
Aki: I love you. I'm going to keep you forever.
Me: I love you too! And I'm your dad, so you're stuck with me.
Aki: But someday you'll die.
Me: True. Hopefully not for a long...
Aki: [interrupting] When you die, I'm going to cut you open and look at your heart.
Me: [stunned silence]
July 23, 2015
in the car
Aki: I'm kind of tired of her being a baby.
September 4, 2015
Aki: I'm very interested in this music. Who is this?
Karen: It's Elvis Perkins.
Aki: Is he alive?
Karen: [looking it up] He's one year older than your dad. So, yes.
Aki: Can I see a picture of him?
Me: [shows picture on phone]
Aki: [weird disappointed face]
Me: Is that what you imagined he'd look like?
Me: Well, that happens.
Aki: Maybe he should comb his hair back a little.
October 26, 2015
In the car
Aki: If [school friend] died, I would bury her in the back yard.
Karen: Whoa. That's super creepy.
Karen and Me: [a long conversation about death, social convention, and the law]
Aki: But I love [school friend]. And I want to take care of her. Forever.
Me: [googling Stephen King's email address]
November 6, 2015
Aki: I gently pushed a sneeze out of her!
December 19, 2015
Aki: I love Santa so much!
Me: I'm sure he loves you too.
Aki: I love him more than the sun and all the planets and space and even the Empire State Building. [looks super sad]
Me: Well, uh, that's how much I love you.
Aki: Is Santa going to die soon?
Me: What? No. I don't think so. He's been around for a long, long time. I think he's probably magic.
Aki: Is he going to be around after the sun explodes?
Me: WHAT?!?! I don't know! That's, uh, that's not going to happen for billions of years!
Aki: What would Santa do after everyone's dead though?
Me: [stunned silence]
April 16, 2016
Aki: I farted through my nose one time.
May 1, 2016
Proof she may be an evil genius
Aki: I want to find a way to bring the moon to the earth.
Karen: That would kill everybody on the planet.
Aki: Not everybody.